Portrait of A Foolish Woman

"She has cast down many wounded, and all who were slain by her were strong men." (Proverbs 7:26)

The portrait of a foolish woman is painted in great detail in proverbs 7. Most presume the foolish woman presented here is the adulterous or promiscuous woman. We skip over this passage assuming it doesn't really speak to us.

However, as I was reading through this chapter I was surprised at how this verse relates to so many of us; not just the adulterous woman.

I love how God breathes a fresh word into old and familiar passages!

As was highlighted in chapter 5 of Biblical Womanhood in The Home,"although we may not be physically adulterous or promiscuous, most of us have unwittingly adopted some of the characteristics that ultimately could lead to the ruin and downfall of the men around us."

Nancy DeMoss goes on to say:


 "The Foolish woman can be an instrument of casting down many men. She may do so by means of sexual seduction (as the woman in proverbs 7), OR she may do so subtly, by means of discouragement, spiritual pride or intimidation."

Wow! What a sobering truth that "I could be the instrument of any man's undoing, no matter how strong he might be! Even men who are spiritually mature can be brought down, controlled, wounded, and destroyed--by a foolish woman."

As I reflect on my relationship with Tim and my role as a pastor's wife, the weight of this can be very challenging at times. There isn't a "rule book" given to Pastor's wives to know how to fulfill your pastor's wife duties, yet there is an unspoken one that exists.  It can be difficult living in the tension of people's expectations of you and what the Bible calls us to.

As I think about the call God has on my husband's life as a pastor, I realize the huge part I play as his helpmate. It's sobering to think that I could intentionally or unintentionally "cast down" the mighty man God is creating and calling him to be. Not to mention, the effect I could have on his ministry and the calling he has been given. Wow! Talk about accountability! I can choose to be his cheerleader or the anchor that "cast him down." Ultimately, it is my choice and one that I will have to give an account for.

Questions I often have to ask myself are:  How do I build him up?  How do I honor and respect him as the spiritual leader of our home? How do I honor him in front of others and behind closed doors? How am I at cheering him on and praying with and for him?

You may not be a pastor's wife, but you too are called to be your husband's helpmate. How are you honoring him, cheering him on and praying that God uses him in a mighty way? As you imagine yourself before the Lord one day, would you be considered a wise woman or a foolish woman?

I shudder at the thought of having to give an account for being a woman who "cast down" her husband.

Challenging read Ladies!

"Remember the Alamo!"

March 2nd was Texas Independence Day! Knowing we had a trip planned to San Antonio I decided to capitalize on both and strayed a little from our normal curriculum to do a study of Texas history!

The kids had fun learning about The Texas Lone Star Flag, our state bird, and flower!

We also checked out some great books from the library and had fun

 learning about heros like Davy Crockett! 

The girls really enjoyed learning about the Alamo, but there is nothing like seeing the real thing in person! Isa was especially ecstatic when she spotted Old Betsy, Crockett's rifle on display.  I of course enjoyed seeing them ooh and ahh as they connected the events we had been learning about.

Here are the girls having fun shooting their own pics with their cameras!

How we Found Classical Conversations:

Have you ever known you were “supposed” to do something, but were scared to take that next step?  Isn’t it amazing how fear and doubt can creep in and keep you from all the good things God has in store for you on the other side?  All the “what ifs” seem to flood your mind i.e. “what if I mess up, what if I can’t do it,

what if,

what if,

   what if!!!

It’s a battle for your mind and heart! A test!

What will you choose?

Will you choose to stay put because it’s safer, it’s easier, more comfortable, it makes the most sense, and etc….

In every major season of my life, there has always been a battle for my mind and heart. This is where I found myself yet again when I felt the call to homeschool.

 Even though I was convinced of the educational and spiritual advantages to homeschooling  (see previous post), I was still afraid to let go. The thought of swimming against the culture (even Christian) was really scary.  But, just because something is the “norm,” doesn’t necessarily mean that it is the right thing.  Public education was not right for our family because God had distinctly moved in our hearts and called us to be a homeschooling family. Therefore, it would have been wrong for my family to go public. We would have been deliberately disobeying the word God had given to us.

 

However, as the new school year was approaching, I started doubting the word God had spoken to our hearts. The "what ifs" flooded my mind. I recognized this battle for my heart and mind unfolding before me as I had been there many times before. Yet, despite my fear and lack of faith, God still met me. I love His patience with us!  


He knew I needed a little push out there and that’s just what He did!

How God Continued to confirm His word in our hearts

My family was in the middle of a big move. If you’ve ever experienced a move with little ones in tow (including a newborn), then you know just how difficult it can be.

Not wanting to put my 5yr old in kindergarten, just to uproot her in a few short months, I knew it was time to take that leap of faith. God was pushing me out there and using our move to do so! I finally had the courage to step out in faith. Besides, I thought, "how bad could I mess up kindergarten?!!" ; )

Little did I know that selling our house in such a tough market would take 10 long grueling months. I say grueling because my husband had to commute every day 1.5hrs each way for 10 months! We’re talking almost 1 full year!! It was brutal; especially having such small children and a newborn in the mix.

Despite the challenges of moving, we had a very successful first year homeschooling. My kindergartner learned how to read in just four short months, was writing well, and really loving learning in general. I couldn’t have asked for a better year!

My husband was very impressed with the results of our first year homeschooling and encouraged me to try another year. He wanted to see what another year would look like now that our move was behind us. I was curious too, but still a little nervous. Fear started to creep back into my heart.  Kindergarten was one thing, but how far would we take this? I began doubting the word God had put in my heart, yet again. 

Sidenote: Do you ever feel like an Israelite? They were a bunch of whining babies always forgetting God’s miracles? Always grumbling about all the whys and hows?

 Oh wait….that sounds like me!

Fear of the unknown had crept back in. I was just so scared to have the education of my children rest solely in my hands. I know that sounds terrible, but I am a product of the public system, it’s all I’ve ever known. Yet, the reality is, there are other ways. We do have other viable options.

Needless to say, going against the grain was causing me to have to “unlearn” a few things.  Not only was I learning how to homeschool, juggling the storms of fear, but then the infamous “what about socialization?” question crept in. 

I know this is the first question that most people ask in opposition to homeschooling, but honestly that had always been the furthest from my mind. My children are highly social, boisterous and competitive little beings that aren’t afraid of meeting new people, and love  to talk your ear off if given the chance! With our involvement in church and other extra-curricular activities and friends we hoped to make in our new neighborhood, I knew my kids would have plenty of opportunities in time. 

However, the “in time” part was the problem. My children had left behind all of their old friends. Developing relationships takes time. It's hard to make friends in a new place and takes even more intentionality when you homeschool.  I wanted my kids to jump in and feel connected so badly, I rationalized that it would be much “easier” and “better” for them to go to the local public school. However, in my heart, I knew I was wrong. God had been directing my steps and now I was faced with a whole new bunch of “what ifs!”

Fear brings doubt. It causes you to question God and exalt your own strength instead of His. It blinds you from the truth and keeps you from doing what you know God has called you to do. (Can we say disobedience!)

I was SCARED!!! Summer was coming to an end and the new school year was starting. I needed answers and I needed them fast! I began pouring my heart out to God and begging him to confirm the word He had given me. 


The next day, I received an e-mail from a friend, whom I hadn't spoken with in quite some time. She e-mailed me out of the blue just to tell me about a new program that her family had started. She said she thought I might be interested and gave me the website for Classical Conversations (CC). After reading through the information, I knew this was exactly what I had been praying for! I couldn’t believe it!

Then it hit me. I was slowly connecting the dots that another trusted family friend had once mentioned CC to us about a year prior to this unexpected e-mail. God had planted that seed back then through another friend, and a year later had redirected me back to CC . 

As I read through the material it seemed like God put before me everything I had been looking for.  It was first and foremost Christ centered, economical, and not only was there an opportunity for families to connect socially, but there was a strong sense of accountability and a challenging academics program with a biblical worldview. This is what I had been looking for!

I knew God was speaking.

And wouldn't you know the very next day after receiving that e-mail, I  had plans to attend my first homeschooling convention. It was there, that I had the opportunity to speak with a CC director to learn more about the program. Afterwards, I felt a sense of peace and joy. I knew God was speaking and working on my behalf!

With tears in my eyes, I turned to leave and was surprised when I looked up and saw two familiar faces coming my way. It was a couple I had known and worked with several years before.  I hadn’t talked with them in years, much less did I know they were a homeschooling family. God had brought familiar faces and a safe place to share my heart.  I shared with them what God had been doing and how scared and unsure I was to take the next step. After listening, they encouraged my heart and the new adventure God was leading me on. It was another sense of peace that God was giving me. Some might call all of this coincidence, but I know better.

God speaks when we take time to seek and listen! 

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened
unto you. Matthew 7:7

This has been our first year in CC and though our community is still forming, my girls have learned so much! I am overjoyed to be a part of their learning process and so thrilled to be a part of their “light bulb” moments. Sure we have tough days, but anything worthwhile is never easy!  We hope to kick off the upcoming school year with committed families and can't wait to see what God has in store for us on this great adventure we call homeschooling! ; )

"So I need 13 more birthdays until....."

Since our big girl's birthday is a few months away she has been thinking through things she wants for her birthday and "future" birthdays. Oh goodness!  The other day while we were playing at the park she randomly articulated her request for a....

While her math is a little off, I'm thinking 18 sounds good to me! Tim thought it would be a good idea to capture it on video just in case she should ever need help remembering how many birthdays she has left to go! : )

Who Me? Homeschool??

I never thought in a million years that we’d be a homeschooling family, let alone that I’d be a Director for this awesome program!  I wanted to share my journey on how God led us to this exciting adventure and hope that it encourages those who may be considering homeschooling too!

It was NEVER on my radar to home-school. N-E-V-E-R!!!  I was the typical person who thought homeschooling was weird. Besides, I thought, “what qualifies me to be a teacher?”  Sure, I have a degree, but being a certified teacher is a entirely different story.

So, how did homeschooling get on my radar? Simply put... God broke my heart. 
As my oldest child began reaching the school age years, something in me just wanted more!  I don’t know why, other than God just put that desire in me. So, I decided to do a little research. I consumed just about every homeschooling book I could, I read blogs, went to conferences and picked the brain of many homeschooling mothers. The more I learned, the more God began to challenge every preconceived notion I had about homeschooling. 


Through my research, it was easy to see the educational and siritual benefits to homeschooling, but there were still a few hang-ups I had. The first I have already mentioned above and that is...

1.    What qualifies me to be a teacher and educator for my child?


And the second was…..


2.    How would Homeschooling allow us to Live on Mission? How could we effectively share our lives and tell people about Jesus if our children were not in a “public” setting?
As my husband and I began to ask God these questions, it became very clear for us where He was leading our family.

1.   What qualifies me to be a teacher and educator for my children?
To my surprise, this question was rather easy for me to work through. Becoming a mom has made me more in tune with the "others" in my life. As moms, God has given us the ability to know what is best for our children. From the moment I knew I had conceived, I have been making decisions for my children and providing for all of their spiritual, emotional and physical needs. So, I guess it was a natural progression for me to begin thinking about their intellectual needs as well. Why couldn't I take care of their intellectual needs too? Their well being in "every" area of life is my responsibility.  


I am convinced that no one is going to care for and love my children more than me. No one will care more about their success and their well being than their own mother. Plain and simple. Aside from God, I am and will always be their biggest fan! 


Therefore, I AM qualified. I certainly do realize my own limitations, but you better believe if there was a subject I couldn’t teach, I would do everything in my power to get them the help, class, teacher, and etc…they need just as I would anything else. That being said, I am also realizing the importance of being a lifetime learner and staying ahead of my pupils. This excites me! I have the opportunity to take advantage of things that I was just too busy or uninterested in before. 


I am also discovering how far homeschooling has come and the amazing community of families that resource and network together. Not to mention, God led us to a national homeschooling group whose founder, Leigh Bortins was an aerospace engineer!  She is passionate about equipping parents all over the country on how to be home educators, but more on that in a later post. ; )  


All of this, coupled with a faith that God prepares those who are called, helps me to have faith in knowing He will prepare me for the tasks ahead, just as He always has.

2.    How would Homeschooling allow us to Living on Mission
My husband and I try to actively live our lives on mission. Sharing our lives, building relationships and hopefully building bridges back to the local church.  We love to “fish” and want to share this same conviction and passion with our children.


Living on mission is something we are VERY passionate about, but how would homeschooling allow us to live out this conviction? In the beginning, I had a hard time reconciling how we could effectively live on mission if we were not allowing our children to be among those who are lost and don’t know Jesus.   


Living on mission is not defined by a specific place, but rather how we live each and every moment of our lives. We live on mission with our families, our friends, at gymnastics, at baseball practice, at the gym, at the check out line, in the parking lot, taking a walk around the neighborhood just so you can meet your neighbors, being keenly aware of the lost and hurting right around you and then responding to their needs, and etc…It’s not about a specific setting like a school. It is your lifestyle! I want to teach my children to have this “other” centered lifestyle everyday regardless of where they are.  


Tim and I firmly believe and see our children as little disciples in training.  Just as an athlete trains everyday for a race, our children are also in training.  An athlete has no idea what it’s like to compete until he actually gets out there and does it.  With that being said, he doesn’t jump out onto the field without training before the big day. No, he must first spend time practicing, drilling, exercising, studying, and etc... 

My kids are learning about Jesus. They are disciples in training. They are learning “about” Jesus but they don’t “know”, “know”, “know” Him just yet. They have head knowledge about God, but haven’t yet had the heart experience. 


They need both. Without this, how can I expect them to properly take a stand against sin when it presents itself? How can I send them to a battlefield when they haven’t fully learned how to put on the full armor of God yet?  


They need to have a proper knowledge and understanding that God is who He says He is.  As they begin to experience this truth for themselves, they will learn how to recognize His voice, see Him at work around them and discover His unique plan for their lives.  When they have truly experienced this, they will have the strength and more importantly the desire, to live out their faith in a world that blatantly sets itself up against the knowledge of God.


I’m not saying they will always make the right choices. While that might be my hope, I am not that naïve. As I began wrestling with God through these tough questions what convicted my heart the most is the process of building. Building a strong foundation takes time and it’s hard to build when outside influences are pulling for their attention all day, every day.  


Am I sheltering? No, I don’t believe that sheltering is the answer, rather it is being cautious and cognizant of the fallen world we live in.  Matthew 10:16 says, “See I am sending you like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.”


I love the way Dr.Voddie Baucham articulates this thought, “Our children will engage the culture. The only question is, will they do so as lambs going off to slaughter, or will they be sheep among wolves who are wise as serpents and innocent as doves?" (Matthew 10:16)


This is not a post to convince you to homeschool, although I hope it may have encouraged those who may be considering it. If you are indeed considering it, but still scared to let go, my encouragement to you would be to visit with other homeschooling moms, sit in on their homeschooling days, and keep reading anything and everything you can about homeschooling. 


Most importantly pray! And keep praying until God gives you peace one way or another. I wouldn’t say homeschooling is for everyone, but I do believe it should be seriously considered, researched and prayed about by everyone! ; )

Whoever said walking with Jesus was dull and boring!
Loving the journey!

Mel

What's Your Definition of Success?

What is your typical stereotype of being a stay-at-home-mom? The above photo pretty much summed up mine.

Over the years, I have met many women who knew from the start that they wanted to stay at home full time. Their dream was simply to be a wife and mother. I remember meeting some of these gals back in college and thinking to myself, “If that’s all you want to do, then why are you here?  Seriously, why are you wasting your money…or worse, your parents money.”

I just didn’t get it. If I’m being real, my honest thoughts were, “man, what a waste of time, talent and money.”

There was something in me that just wanted “more.” I guess if I’m real honest, I had a lot of the world in me that simply did not esteem the stay-at-home-mom. My pride made me believe that I had more “ambition, more drive.” I had more to offer than changing diapers, wiping snotty noses and being a full time maid.

However, after the birth of my second child, God really began challenging my heart to use my time and the gifts that “He” gave me to better serve the members of my own family; to give them my focused attention…not just my leftovers.

That’s such a strong word, but in my story, it’s the truth. My attention, my heart was divided. I wanted to give 100% of myself as a mom and 100% of myself to my work. I wanted to offer the best of "me" in both worlds.
 How is that even possible? The math just doesn't add up.

Scripture says, "you cannot serve two masters." (Matthew 6:24). 

I know many might not agree and would simply assume it's just a matter of prioritizing and balancing. 
I know because I fed myself that same lie for years. 

But inevitably, one will make a choice. 


Matthew 6:24 goes on to say... “Either he will hate one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other.” 

Sadly, in our culture today, we are all too willing to lay our families down on the altar of our success, egos, pride, greed and all of the STUFF we think we need...you name it!

As I felt God stirring my heart to stay home, I even began rationalizing the work I was doing.  Not only did I LOVE my job, but I was involved in ministry. How could that be a bad thing…right? Why would He ask me to give that up? It seemed like a God thing to me.

However, when we begin to put "every" area of our life underneath the complete authority of scripture, God has a way of really shaking things up! This is where I have been in the last several years concerning my work outside of the home and my family. He's really been shaking my world, my ideals, and etc....

In each season of my Journey, be it a student, a new bride, a new mom, a servant in God's Kingdom, and now a stay-at-home-mom and homeschooler, God continues to whisper to my heart one simple question... "Melanie, what is your definition of success?"

And just when I think I'm there, another season of life causes me to dig deeper and another layer of my heart is peeled back, exposing my sin and beckoning me into deeper waters. And again, another whisper...."Melanie, what's your definition of success, where are your affections?

As hard as it was to let go of a job that I absolutely loved, it was the best decision for my family. God has reconfirmed that over and over again. However, making this decision didn’t come without sacrifice. We had to learn to live on a tighter budget and fight the “me” mentality of bigger, better, more. 

It’s not always comfortable and I might not have all the cute home décor I want or all the clothes and shoes my heart desires.  However, as I keep my eyes on the “bigger picture,” I am able to live with a kingdom perspective and keep Him in view in all things.

In the grand scheme of things, the time we have with our children is so short. The seasons in your life will come and go. Right now is the season for me to be at home. How long you ask? I don’t know. But, I know when I step back and look at the bigger picture, this season of my life will be a blip, a moment (God willing) when compared to the rest of my life.

James 4:14 says it like this...

Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away.

I’m am learning to stop living in the tomorrow and to seize the blessings right here before me. 

Today is the day! 

God has burned this reality in my heart and has given me such a passion and a vision for my home and family. I want to seize every opportunity I have with them to influence them and teach them to know, love and obey God.

I know many are not as fortunate to be able to stay home, particularly single parents. If you are a single parent, know that God has not forgotten about you and is first and foremost faithful and able to meet all of your needs. 

We all have different stories. God knows your story and will give you the strength to meet the demands for each season of your journey as you seek and call upon him.  For others, maybe your story is like mine. My question for you would be one I asked myself….what are you chasing? What is your definition of success? Are you fighting the bigger, better more mentality? Here is an interesting article I found online. It's worth the read!  

Today, my definition and worth in life is not defined by the position I have, the number of zeros on my paycheck or the title I hold. While great for my ego they did nothing for my soul.

I am not saying that one that has these things cannot love God. I am simply sharing my story and how God peeled back the layers of my heart to help me see my deepest desires. At the root of it all was a heart that believed I was not really anything until I had achieved all the things above. When in reality, I am everything in my maker’s eyes. So, much so that he sent His only son to die for me. 

I cared about making a name for myself and let’s face it, I desired the esteem that comes with those things. When in reality, I bare the name of my heavenly father, a daughter of the King who calls me His beloved and is preparing a place for me. I’m already royalty and it is His name I want to esteem and proclaim!

As I filter every season, every opportunity, every decision in light of scripture, my perspective has been challenged, sharpened and redefined.

Darrel Billups said, "The greatest danger in life is to succeed at things that do not matter."

How about you, what are the things you are succeeding at? And do they matter? 

Fighting the Me Mentality...(It's not about me continued)

Remember the words to that good ol' MJ song,

"I'm starting with the man in the mirror, 

I'm asking him to change his ways,"

I wonder how often we really do this? It's so easy to point out the sin in others, but rarely do we like to hold the mirror up to ourselves. All too often we make excuses.  We expect others to change, but rarely do we want to do the work to produce change in our own hearts, in our own lives.


So, this is what God has been doing in my heart. It is here, being a mother that I am learning to fight the "me" mentality.  It’s not about me! Whether you’re a mom to four or one, being a mom is about selflessness...plain and simple.

There are many times I would rather be _________, or can't wait until he/she is __________, or I'm just plain exhausted from the demands of the day and ready for the kiddos to get in bed, so that I can have my "me" time. 

Ahhh...."me" time! Doesn't that sound so good?

Sometimes, especially towards the end of the day, "me" time just won't get here fast enough.  Wanting and needing a "me" time is not all together a bad thing. There are definitely times when one needs to recharge and I am thankful that I have a wonderful husband that supports me in this way, so that I can offer my best. 


However, there are other times when I need to stop and ask myself the hard questions. 
Why are you rushing through bed time? Was that tone really necessary? Am I expecting too much of my kids? Did I have fun and did I enjoy my kiddos today? 


So, this is where I've been...learning how to balance and at other times how to fight the "me" monster.  It's a daily fight. Being a mom, continually exposes my sin, my "me" centeredness and continually challenges me to lay down my rights, my wants in order to better serve my family.

Dr. Voddie Baucham, a pastor and theologian defines love as “an act of the will accompanied by emotion that leads to action on behalf of its object..”  It’s an act of the will to lay down your rights, your time and your dreams in order to serve those whom God has entrusted to your care.

As I reflect upon this, I am reminded of a book Tim and I read early on in our marriage called Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. The whole premise was about what if God designed marriage not to make us happy, but to make us holy; to expose our sin and draw us closer to Himself.  I see that same picture here as I relate to my children. What if God is using motherhood as the setting by which he exposes my sin and draws me closer to himself? 


I believe God is using this season of my life and how I relate to my children and husband as a mirror to expose my sin and draw me closer to Him, so that He can reflect his beauty to others! The biggest “others” being my children and husband! 

Psalm 139: 13-16 says....
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

My children and the way they are wired is not by accident. God designed them with a unique set of wirings and giftings.  It was no accident that He gave them to me to shepherd. 

And what if....just WHAT IF...He created them that way and divinely entrusted them to us not only for the ultimate purpose of bringing glory to Him, but also to work out sin in our own lives!

God is using my children and the "way He created them" to grow and stretch me! 

When disobedient issues come up or I find myself consumed with those "I would rather be______  or I can't wait until_______ ," moments, I know there is a "me" battle raging within my heart. It is here that God is drawing me to Himself and helping me to grow in patience, selflessness, serving others, perseverance, grace, self control, and etc…

It is in these times that God really shows me where my heart and/or my thinking needs a "God-shift."  My prayers are now “Lord, what do you desire to teach ME through this and how can I best instruct my child? 

Please, change ME!

Through the awesome and challenging path of motherhood, I am realizing more and more the truth of Colossians 3:3 

For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.

I need Him and am dependent upon Him to help me be the mother and wife He created me to be. This job is too huge and so much is at stake, but the rewards are ETERNAL! Who would have thought that such an unassuming role like being a mom could be the place for such Kingdom impact. But then again, He did use a carpenter to accomplish His redemptive plan for the whole world! 

What if God is using you and your role as a wife and mother...your season at home...your season homeschooling...your season of _________ as the setting by which he exposes your sin and draws you closer to Himself! 

IT"S ALL ABOUT ME???

When Tim and I first got married, we had the typical American dreams and hopes of having a nice home, car, and family; two kids to be exact, one boy and one girl each.  Looking back now, this “I’ll take 2” special order kind of request seems so silly (selfish is probably a better word)! 


I guess this was the perfect little world I had imagined for myself. However, what I came to discover is that I wanted the blessing of having children without those little blessings interfering too much with my plans, my hopes, my ambitions, and my ideals for achieving success.


It was, well how should I put it...all about ME! ME!! ME!!!

Yikes! That stings.

As Tim and I dreamed together about what our future family would like, here were some of the questions that ran through my mind as I pictured my perfect happy family......

• How will having children affect our pocket book? This is a practical question. Afterall, college isn't getting any cheaper.  

• We won’t be able to just get up and go? Guess we’ll have to kiss those trips to Europe goodbye!

• My biggest concern…what affect will a family have on my job/career?  How can I manage and juggle both? 

It’s taken a while for God to help me see the murky waters of my heart and how it was really all about me. Funny, how it’s so easy to see the junk in others, yet so hard to see it in ourselves. I didn’t realize it at the time and let's face it, probably would have just convinced myself that all my ambitions would benefit my future family. Yea, that's it! No, really....I was doing it all for my family! How can that be selfish...right?  What I've come to better understand is that at the root of it all....it was all about ME!!

I am a firm believer in setting goals, don't get me wrong however, as a Christ "follower" how was I actually "following" God?  Proverbs 16:9 puts it this way....


A man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9


As I take a step back, I realize now that I was unintentionally boxing God in to fit "my" preconceived notions of the perfect family. I wanted Him to fit into my plans and on my terms. Unbeknownst to me, I had bought the lie that said I could "have it all" and that all I had to do was aim high and work harder. The question is...at whose expense? At what cost? All you have to do is look around at the family in today's culture to figure that out.  Divorce plagues our society and children suffer greatly.  All in the name of ME!! 

Johnathan Edwards, one of America's greatest Theologians writes about our passions that move us to action. The following passage really resonated with me and the innerwork God has been doing in me. 

The nature of human beings is to be inactive unless influenced by some affecftion: love or hatred, desire, hope, fear, etc.. These affections are the "springs of action," the things that set us moving in our lives, that move us to engage in activities. When we look at the world we see that people are exceedingly busy.  It is their affections that keep them busy. If we were to take away their affections, the world would be motionless and dead; there would be no such thing as activity. It is the affection we call covetousness that moves a person to seek worldly profits; it is the affection we call ambition that moves a person to pursue worldly glory; it is the affection we call lust that moves a person to pursue sensual delights. Just as worldly affections are the spring of worldly actions, so the religious affections are the spring of religious actions.

The "me" centered mentality is what ultimately drove me; the desire to achieve and to be known. It resulted in my poor view of family and clouded me from really embracing the beauty of my role as mother to my children and wife to my husband. As God continues to put to death the "me" centered corners of my heart,  He is faithful in teaching me that His ways are not my ways. As I reflect on where my affections are it causes me to remain open to what God has for me instead of what I have for myself.
  
I no longer view family as a weight I have to balance and juggle as I create a place for myself in this world. Rather, God has birthed in me such a passion for my family/home. I want to model for my children a woman who is unashamed of working in her home. A woman who is not willing to sacrifice her family on the altar of her ego or desire to have bigger, better, more. A woman who weighs every opportunity (even ministry opportunities) in light of how it will affect her family and ultimately how it will bring glory to Jesus. 

I am a woman who is  discovering that my gifts are not dormant simply because I'm at home, but rather God is using and even sharpening these gifts right here among the members of my own family. Futhermore, the lessons learned here will be the tools I need for the seasons yet to come.   

As I learn to "follow" Jesus and submit EVERY area of my life to Him, I am discovering more and more the beauty of Jesus' words in Matthew 16:25

For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.

So what about you...have you found your life?

The road of my life looks different....and I love it!  Two kids are now four kids!  I think of all the blessings I would have forfeited had I settled for the "Ill take two, that will do" mentality and all I can say is thank you Jesus. Thank you for opening my eyes and softening my heart and challenging this stubborn and prideful woman. Help me to care more about making your name great in my life instead of my own. May that be what truly drives me!

In my next few posts, I will continue to reflect upon where my affections are as it relates to my decision to stay at home full time and my commitment to homeschool...things I thought I'd NEVER do! My oh my has my definition of success been challenged!