Friendship for Grown-Ups

I am a huge Lisa Whelchel fan and have read just about every book she’s ever written. One of my new favorites is her latest book, Friendship for Grown Ups. In this book, Lisa explores the challenges of friendship; particularly women friendships.

Let’s face it…friendships can be challenging! Lisa speaks from her heart as she relays her own story of how God tore down the wall she had so carefully constructed around her heart in order to prevent people from getting too close; thereby exposing her own neediness and vulnerability.

“Vulnerability, trust and grace is not always easy to cultivate or maintain but isn’t that what we all want? To be seen, in all our glory, for better or worse, the good, the bad and the ugly and still be embraced? If only these kind of friendships were easy to find.”

As she begins the journey of discovering “real” friendship, the very thing she fears is that which God uses to chisel away at her heart. It is through the pain of broken trust and betrayal that God teaches her how to be real, needy and vulnerable in order to truly be a “real” friend…the kind of friend we all need.

I have not met many women in my Christian life who I can honestly say know the good, bad and ugly of Mel…and still embrace me. Perhaps they haven’t felt the same of me either. That really makes me sad. Don't get me wrong...I have some great friends that I love dearly and I know they care for me as well.

As I chewed on the quote above, there are only two women that come to mind, who have seen me and know the good, bad and the ugly of Mel. One was once my boss, and is now mentor and very dear, dear friend whom I will forever be grateful for. Sure, we have rubbed each other the wrong way before, but we know each other. She knows the Mel God created, has grace for the Mel that’s still in process and chooses to see ahead to the Mel God is creating me to be. That’s real friendship! That’s real grace!

The other is a girl I knew back in high school. Man, could we have some heated discussions, but our love and respect for one another went deeper. We might not have always seen eye to eye, but no matter what, there was a sisterly love for one another. Even today, though we might have different viewpoints, we can still respect one another despite our different perspectives and love one another through them. The best part is that though the years go by, we can pick up a conversation like it was just yesterday. She knows me. She knows the Mel God created and respects the Mel I desire to be. That’s real friendship!

Here is what I am wrestling with: Isn’t the church (not "A church" but "THE church" in general) the place where we should be experiencing more of these grace filled friendships and unconditional love? I just don’t understand how we can be the body of Christ and yet have so very little grace for God’s people. The very people in which God himself dwells! When I think about it like that, it just blows my mind and makes me cry out to God to help me show his child, my sister in the faith, more grace and love.

I am processing through all of this, but one thing I have discovered about myself in regards to friendship is that I tend to be an all or nothing kind of gal. There isn’t anything I don’t commit myself to without giving it my all. This is just the way God made me. The same goes with friendship. I am a loyal friend, which means there isn’t ANYTHING I wouldn’t do for you if I can; especially for a close friend.

Yet, what I have come to discover about myself, and this book only helped to further highlight, is that at times I can unintentionally expect the same things of my friends in return. The result is hurt feelings when expectations are not met. One of the biggest things my husband is holding me accountable to is not to infer the intentions or actions of other people. For example, I might say, “I can’t believe she said _______, I would have never said that to her” or “I can’t believe she didn’t _________ I would have done that for her.” Time and time again, my hubby will fire back with, “but she’s not YOU!!!” He says, “she is not going to do and say things just like you would. If it bothers you that much, ask her what she meant when she said, _______ but don’t infer. It leads you to a bad place.” Blah, Blah, Blah. The truth is, he’s right and I know it.

In Friendship for Grown Ups, Lisa Whelchel refers to this as helium balloons. Before you let the little balloon you’ve imagined float away, pop it by exposing it. Bring it to the light. Tell your friend, “I could be overly sensitive, but was I reading you the right way when you said __________?” Don’t just sweep it under the rug or worse yet, write someone off! I have been guilty of the latter. So needless to say, I have found so many nuggets of truth in this little 178 page book.

One of my favorite quotes that I have sadly found to be true is when she writes about our fear of being needy. Check this out:

“What has conditioned so many of us to be afraid to ask for help when we need it? Or to reach out for a touch when we are lonely? Or to forgo sharing a happy success for fear of sounding prideful? Why do we choose the safety of space in even the closest of friendships?"

As I reflected on this question (and have been guilty at some point of one or all of them), it really just blows my mind. I’m wondering… “Are we living in fear and lead by pride.” Fear and Pride…two painful enemies of the Christian life.

Afraid to ask for help….why? Because we won’t appear to have it all together; we won’t be the perfect mom who knows how to raise the perfect kids? Maybe it’s simply because we don’t want to bother already busy people and become a burden to them….we’re tough, self sufficient we can handle it…right?

Reach out when we’re lonely….why?? Isn’t that what the body of Christ is for??

Forgo sharing a happy success for fear of sounding prideful…why??? aren’t we called to rejoice with others?

Are we living in fear and lead by pride?

Henry Cloud writes…. “God made us to need Him and each other. We need God. We need his word. We need each other. The apostle John wrote, “I have much to write to you, but I do not want to use paper and ink. Instead, I hope to visit you and talk with you face to face, so that our joy may be complete.” 2 John 12. Friendships require vulnerability, grace and action. You can’t build a friendship off of self sufficiency. You must reach out to others and ask for help. Neither can you build a friendship if you never make time for others and concern yourself with their needs. We need community, we need each other. God knew that. That’s why he blessed us with the church body. So, why do we push this precious gift away?

These are just a few things I’m pondering lately and wrestling with in my heart. This was the first book I’ve read that spoke honestly and directly regarding these sensitive and almost taboo matters.

If you want a good book you can curl up with and hang out with a girl who’s keeping it real, check out Lisa’s book, Friendships for Grown Ups. I laughed, cried and cried some more as she relays the bitter sweetness of friendships and gives practical insight on how to choose and cultivate “safe” friendships filled with grace, so we His people, can truly reflect his love to one another.


If you’ve ever experienced the pain of friendship or would simply like to know how to be a better friend, this book is a must read.